Tuesday, February 16, 2021

Spending Chinese New Year cash inflow on a new toiletbowl to accomodate for waiting-for-heater instagram scrolling ergonomics.
Saturday, February 13, 2021

No idea what has swept over me. Efforts to detoxify negative, irrational ideations are almost futile in this pretending-not-to-be-over-sensitive thought chamber.

Because frienships are not transactional, and I truly value companionship, but is there value in me?
Monday, February 8, 2021

Revival after seven years.

I've graduated, the embodiment of mediocrity, not actively creating, taking home a miserable income every month because – cherry on top – a pandemic has seized the world, and also somehow the ceo's ability to renumerate us respectably.

the real reason why I'm back to lament via keyoard is because of this pandemic has disrupted real person communication and I've consequently lost my verbal eloquence. Which is ironic since I serve a customer service role at work that involves formulating appropriate responses in seconds. Yet somehow I can't speak, to the point where I fumble over basic enunciation.

I've become acclimatised to the digitized microblog, microcaption format. Quick ideas, quicker copy delivered in punches and no more elucidated, serpentine, detailed sentences. And that has spilled over into my ability to simultaneously string sentences while continuing real conversations at pace.

There is no revision, no editing, no comforting backspace when you talk to people. I start speaking in tweets. I taper off afraid that the other person has stopped listening after the seventh word after social media programming.

This space shall serve as a mode of composition practice.
Sunday, November 2, 2014

This too, shall pass.
Sunday, June 1, 2014

I do it slow. In a world filled with over-tutored children and achievements and a growing obsession about the number certificates you have in your personal folder.

Don't you think there is beauty in mediocrity?
Thursday, May 29, 2014

Blurs of fighting fish.

And the meteors fall so heavy.

Like my eyelids.

Friday, May 2, 2014

Finally, something.

Year three has fulfilled its promises. Struggling to get law cases into my head. Rushing to pitch an article just because everyone else was doing the same. Trudging to morning class with barely six hours of sleep. Intense discussion on jurisprudence and hermeneutics (and more long words).

I appreciated the whole thing, sliding from relativism to debating the existence of real truth. This is what I am in school for.

We were told not to be sentimental in poetry. At this point, the only thing that could possibly break my heart would be doing badly in these classes.
Sunday, April 6, 2014

critical heart and kidney failure.

drowning on the inside, in the most literal sense, must be terrifying.
Sunday, March 30, 2014

The thought of it remains stubbornly tucked between the lobes of my brain.

But then I remember how slight and ignorable these opinions are. And it comforts me even more that I might be overrated and more importantly, forgettable. Give two years and I'll just be another fading memory. I don't need to cater to anyone.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Touchstone. A true friend without critisms and judgements, who loves you unconditionally.
Saturday, March 8, 2014

That patch of grass outside Zouk, possibly parched and thirsting for some precipitation, finally celebrating at the first hints of moisture. But no, it was just me raining on them with a mixture of regurgitated barcardi and stomach juice.
Monday, February 17, 2014

Today I was reading about volcanoes. After krakatoa exploded, the world saw lavender suns, blue moons and orange skies due to thick ash in the air causing red light to scatter. Gentle reverberations rocked the continents for weeks after.

There it is. Our dream of fantastic worlds, thrust onto our unprepared bodies, deafened ears, choking lungs, by the hands of our own planet.
Sunday, January 19, 2014

I remember when your head caught flame. It kissed your scalp and caressed your brain.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014

How tough is it to separate yourself from material want?

I don't think about this a lot but whenever I do, I wish the thoughts would just go away. Because there are so many people struggling out there.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Why do we let ourselves refresh, restart and resolve by the revolutions of our planet. What if we operated in planck-seconds instead.
Sunday, November 10, 2013

In this past week I accidentally punch myself about three times which is actually quite a lot.
Thursday, August 29, 2013

it's my first saturday of freedom. i do nothing. i look at my macbook. send anonymous messages. wait for one. think about someone reading this. you. think about you thinking about this. you.

do you feel like one with me. reading this. we are miles apart. continents apart at most. the ocean can't stop us. we have fibres. we are the breath of communication.

thinking about me thinking about you thinking about this.

☝ so i wrote all that on some anonymous social experiment. and i got a few. some messages were about game of thrones, snk, and the general angst of life. mediocre teenage years. im not alone. travel to another country with one of the greatest friends ever. check. substances that may damage my liver. check. applemint smoke in my lungs. check. actually doing well in school. no. drivers license. no. boat license. no. being a daughter my mom can show off. not yet.

name: shiva
subject: ii

under the bruised sky, you told me there will always be nothing. the fishes in the lake were sleeping. how does it feel to be constantly keeping yourself afloat?

name: kip
subject: vuv

don't be sad when you go to sleep, have sweet dreams and look forward to breakfast.
Friday, August 16, 2013

i am not instant. i am not cut out for this system. no. this system is not cut out for me. i need to do bigger things than just regurgitating and working within the perimeters set by my lecturers. i want to ingest, digest, produce, create, solve.

whatever. i still have big dreams for the world.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013

the other day we had relationships class and they asked us to get into groups and list our ideals in the opposite gender. they said stuff like. braces. dimples. clean look. look like ryan gosling. collared shirts. filial. caring. must have the bicep vein when flexing. rich. know how to cook.

all i said was: who the fuck is ryan gosling. they google imaged him and he was so ugly. i am so uninterested in men.
Monday, January 14, 2013

to the me one year ago.

dear me,

you're probably mopping the floors of swensens right now, all angry and frustrated, feet aching and mouth terribly dry. i'm glad i put you through this. to learn how to treat people better. to learn that you aren't always the one to be served. to put myself in a position which i've always taken for granted.

Monday, January 7, 2013

sometimes i just click around and admire girls and guys and girls and guys and girls and guys and everyone looks so lovely and great.

then you have me.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Remember when we could actually aspire, fantasise, desire without boundaries. Because I don't.
Sunday, August 12, 2012

Every inch aches, every tendon, every ligament, every single fiber, deep down to the core of your bones. Cold fatigue pumps through your veins, seeping through tangled capillaries. You try your best to moderate your movements, your breathing, your heartbeat. It hurts with every exhale. All you can do is breathe pain with every expansion and contraction of your bruised lungs and flickering heart.
Friday, June 1, 2012

today we had to draw lots for our medsoc debate and halfway through i suddenly had this feeling and i couldn't control my mouth and predicted loudly that i'd be the next name to be drawn. and it happened. and i am psychic. save the cheerleader, save the world.
Saturday, May 5, 2012

Foreign
Tuesday, January 10, 2012

I can't understand people's feelings. Sometimes i can't tell if my friends are happy or sad or faking sadness or faking happiness.
Sunday, January 1, 2012

the world is ending
Friday, November 11, 2011

but you held your pride like you should have held me
Monday, August 29, 2011

Did it hurt or were you just used to it.
Sunday, June 26, 2011

I think it's really dumb when a guy thinks you like him and he gets all arrogant when the truth is that you're so over him and he's just making himself look like a baboon.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011

You know you can't do things twice. The second time is never as good, as authentic, like the first.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Why am I always so jealous and bitter.

Labels: anguish, frustrated, miserable, terrible

Sunday, April 17, 2011

I was so flustered and annoyed and uneasy but at the same time, I felt like my chest was sliced and my sternum was cracked open and you stuck your hand inside and smashed my heart around and shredded it with your long nails.
Saturday, November 20, 2010

Matching up to them, even a tiny bit, would take an eternity.
Monday, October 11, 2010

It's messy on the inside. Think of it as a hedge maze, only the hedge is untrimmed, a gazillion spikes and vines awaiting.
Sunday, October 10, 2010

I CAUGHT MYSELF IN TOO MANY WORLDS.